That was today.
It started out quite stressful. At 8.30 I had the last session with my therapist (she leaves for another job). I wanted to get up at 6.30, so I`d have enough time to get ready, eat breakfast and wrap up her gift.
It didn`t quite turn out that way....
I woke up after a weird dream....And had a weird feeling. I remembered that I had the appointment. So I looked at my phone. CRAP, it was 7.35!!! I wanted to leave the house at 7.45!
My cat was asleep next to me, I asked her why she didn`t wake me up, but she didn`t answer...So I took a deep breath, stood up and got ready. I just dressed in whatever I found, brushed my teeth, put on a bit of makeup, wrapped the present and ran out the door. I grabbed some breakfast at the bakery, on my way to the tram stop and made it!
Phew...
BUT: Normally, I am very anxious about going to appointments, especially when I have to ride the tram/bus for about 45 minutes. When you have anxiety, or a panic attack, that seems like forever...
When I have more time on my hands, I get to thinking...my brain starts to develop weird catastrophic thoughts and I get anxious even before I`ve left the house.
Today I didn`t have time to think, so that was good!
I had breakfast on the tram, felt pretty good, I ran into some friends and we talked for a bit...it was nice.
With very little anxiety I made it almost on time to my therapists office.
We had a good last session...There were nice words, cards, presents and a hug. I`ll miss her.
After that, I felt really positive and energized, so I decided to stop in the city and do some christmas shopping.
You know what? I don`t remember the last time I was in the city, shopping all by myself....
So it was a big deal. I felt some anxiety, but I really wanted to do it, so I did.
I ended up finding really cool presents for my family, and also for myself! I was at h&m, which is an anxious store (because it`s always hot and stuffed), bought a nice coat on sale and I even went to a huge book store. I used to spend hours in there....Just looking around, reading and relaxing.
Nowadays, it`s a bit different...but I was successfull and bought some cool books.
It was good, but also enough! So I went home...I was incredibly tired, hungry and exhausted but also proud and happy!!!
I`ll be honest with you, when I came home I heated up some leftovers from last night, ate them in bed and took a nap. But that was my reward, so it`s okay :)
After cleaning up a bit and putting away the stuff I bought I realized that I`m stupid...
I left the bag with all the cool books at the tram, I think.
Hm, yes and that`s not the first time that happens. I can be such a dreamer....
Well, I hope I get them back from the lost and found office....
Oh it feels so good to write that down.
I feel a bit overwhelmed. You know, stuff like that isn`t normal for me anymore....
My anxiety is always here...Sometimes at the front, sometimes somewhere in the back..but it`s here.
When doing stuff like that, it takes a lot of focus and energy.
Plus, I`m a highly sensitive person, which means I take everything in.
Most of the time my "filter" is not activated...I need to practice that, too.
I like being sensitive because it has soo many pros.
But after a day like that, I feel very heavy and tired. My brain is so stuffed with everything I saw, smelled and touched. It feels like I`m reliving everything.
I`ve had that since I was a little girl...that`s why I never wanted to go to sleep...I couldn`t turn my head off.
Writing it down and telling someone about my day and impressions really helps, though....I need to get it out.
So, now I`m off to take a hot shower and cuddle in my bed to read.
Good night and thanks for listening!
Sara
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