A crazy, good, weird, overwhelming, amazing day

That was today.

It started out quite stressful. At 8.30 I had the last session with my therapist (she leaves for another job). I wanted to get up at 6.30, so I`d have enough time to get ready, eat breakfast and wrap up her gift.

It didn`t  quite turn out that way....

I woke up after a weird dream....And had a weird feeling. I remembered that I had the appointment. So I looked at my phone. CRAP, it was 7.35!!! I wanted to leave the house at 7.45!

My cat was asleep next to me, I asked her why she didn`t wake me up, but she didn`t answer...So I took a deep breath, stood up and got ready. I just dressed in whatever I found, brushed my teeth, put on a bit of makeup, wrapped the present and ran out the door. I grabbed some breakfast at the bakery, on my way to the tram stop and made it!

Phew...

BUT: Normally, I am very anxious about going to appointments, especially when I have to ride the tram/bus for about 45 minutes. When you have anxiety, or a panic attack, that seems like forever...

When I have more time on my hands, I get to thinking...my brain starts to develop weird catastrophic thoughts and I get anxious even before I`ve left the house.

Today I didn`t have time to think, so that was good!

I had breakfast on the tram, felt pretty good, I ran into some friends and we talked for a bit...it was nice.

With very little anxiety I made it almost on time  to my therapists office.

We had a good last session...There were nice words, cards, presents and a hug. I`ll miss her.

After that, I felt really positive and energized, so I decided to stop in the city and do some christmas shopping.

You know what? I don`t remember the last time I was in the city, shopping all by myself....

So it was a big deal. I felt some anxiety, but I really wanted to do it, so I did.

I ended up finding really cool presents for my family, and also for myself! I was at h&m, which is an anxious store (because it`s always hot and stuffed), bought a nice coat on sale and I even went to a huge book store. I used to spend hours in there....Just looking around, reading and relaxing.

Nowadays, it`s a bit different...but I was successfull and bought some cool books.

It was good, but also enough! So I went home...I was incredibly tired, hungry and exhausted but also proud and happy!!!

I`ll be honest with you, when I came home I heated up some leftovers from last night, ate them in bed and took a nap. But that was my reward, so it`s okay :)

After cleaning up a bit and putting away the stuff I bought I realized that I`m stupid...

I left the bag with all the cool books at the tram, I think. 

Hm, yes and that`s not the first time that happens. I can be such a dreamer....

Well, I hope I get them back from the lost and found office....

Oh it feels so good to write that down.

I feel a bit overwhelmed. You know, stuff like that isn`t normal for me anymore....

My anxiety is always here...Sometimes at the front, sometimes somewhere in the back..but it`s here.

When doing stuff like that, it takes a lot of focus and energy.

Plus, I`m a highly sensitive person, which means I take everything in.

Most of the time my "filter" is not activated...I need to practice that, too.

I like being sensitive because it has soo many pros. 

But after a day like that, I feel very heavy and tired. My brain is so stuffed with everything I saw, smelled and touched. It feels like I`m reliving everything.

I`ve had that since I was a little girl...that`s why I never wanted to go to sleep...I couldn`t turn my head off.

Writing it down and telling someone about my day and impressions really helps, though....I need to get it out.

So, now I`m off to take a hot shower and cuddle in my bed to read.

Good night and thanks for listening!

Sara

Spiced chocolate cookies

Hey guys!

Have you been enjoying the first week of december?

I am..:)

On saturday I made these lovely cookies. I only had two eggs left and was too lazy to go buy some, so I searched for a recipe with one or two eggs.

I ended up choosing a normal chocolate cookie recipe and changing it up to be more christmas-y...

It`s simple, fast , you don`t need a lot of ingridients BUT they are extremely delicious nonetheless.

There you go...

You need:

110g butter at room temperature

130g brown sugar

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla

150g (spelt) flour

30g cocoa powder

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp "Lebkuchengewürz", or just (combined) a tsp of ginger, cinnamon, cloves and cardamom

And about 100-150g dark chocolate and a little piece of butter for the frosting.

Cream butter and sugar together. Add the egg. Stir in the cocoapowder, spices, bakingpowder and flour.

Mix until you have a smooth batter.

Now just grab a teaspoon and spoon the batter on a sheet, lined with baking paper. 

Like this:

Now preheat your oven to 160°C and bake them for about 14 minutes or until they look like this:

While they cool down a bit, you can prepare the frosting. Melt your chocolate and add a tiny bit of butter. Stir until smooth.

Then just spread it on the cookies. I like it to look rustic, and not perfect :).

I topped mine with some purple sprinkles...because it`s christmas time and it should be sparkly!

Store in a beautiful christmas cookie container...

Enjoy! I`m gonna make them again, tomorrow...

Everyone really liked them...I think the frosting makes them even better, because it stays smooth. So when you eat it you have a smooth, chocolaty frosting and a crispy, spiced cookie...mmmmmh.

Have a nice evening, everybody!

Love,

Sara

My perfect first advent sunday...

Yesterday morning I opened my eyes and saw that it was snowing...I was so happy! The first real snow on the first advent. How perfect is that?

After some playing with my cat (Mimi) and a lot of cuddling with my love, he had to leave...So I started in my day and decided to make it a good one!

At first I had to do some necessary, but boring stuff (folding laundry, cleaning, etc.).

But shortly after that, the fun began.

I finished decorating the apartment for christmas.  I have to say, I`m very, very happy with it and I spent as little money as possible. You can make great decorations with very little and simple things!

The last thing I wanted to do was the advent wreath. I bought a (not so pretty one) and just took of all the stuff that was on it. I wrapped some ribbons around, decorated it with pinecones and two ornaments.

I think it turned out beautiful!

Then it was time for my first batch of christmas cookies.

That`s what I came up with:

I will share the recipe with you later today.

After spending time inside, I was craving some fresh winter air and went for a walk with my camera.

It was freezing and gorgeous.

I payed my family a little visit, had tea with my mom and had dinner with all of them.

My day ended with drinking tea, painting my nails and watching one of my favorite christmas movies (the family stone).

It really was a perfect day. I didn`t have such a good week. I was mostly laying in bed, with a stupid bladder infection. I was frustrated and bored. And anxious.

But yesterday I just decided to have a great day, and I did.

I was so happy when I went to bed...

So I learned an important lesson...: I am able to be happy and have a great time, because I want to. Then it doesn`t really matter, if I`m anxious or not.

I hope you had a great sunday as well.

Love,

Sara

What I`ve been doing... or My dreadlock story...

Maybe you`re wondering: what`s with Sara? What was she up to, the last few days?

Well, I`ll tell you.....

THAT:

Jup, I got dreads.
Ever since I was like 14, I adored dreads...I kind of forgot about it until like 1.5 months ago...I really got into it again. So I started researching, watching tons of youtube videos and all that stuff.
2 weeks ago I was completely sure, that I wanted to get them!

My dear friend Monicka and I started talking about it and planing everything. We ordered real hair extensions 3 weeks ago and waited patiently for them to get here.
They finally arrived last wednesday, so we agreed on starting the next day.

I was feeling a bit nervous, like I felt before getting my tattoos. You know that scary, exciting, happy feeling? Yes, it`s amazing and terrifying at the same time.
Mostly, I was worried how it would work with my pretty short hair and the extensions. Because I`ve never used extensions before.



On thursday Monicka came over at 10 o`clock to get started.
First we treated the extensions with "kieselerde" (sorry, don`t know how it`s called in english). It`s a powder you can take for healthier hair. But when you use it like a treatment, it damages your hair and makes it really dry. So...perfect for dreading. Extensions are treated with a LOT of chemicals, to stay all smooth and shiny. You don`t want that for dreadlocks, so it has to go away.
We put the nasty looking paste on all the extensions and left it soaking for half an hour. Afterwards we just washed it out and blow dried them.

Then it was time to get started!

The last picture of me with "normal" hair...
We started by sectioning the hair and then the dreading began!
Monicka was dreading my hair, while I was dreading extensions.
We used the backcombing and crocheting method. It is pretty effective and works well.

Some parts were REALLY painful, I can tell you.
And at first, we had a hard time attaching the dread extensions to my dreaded hair.
But somehow we figured out how to do it.
Unfortunately, shortly after that, Monicka had to leave.

We agreed on continuing the next day.

I gotta tell you, I felt really weird.
i had about 4 dreads, in the back of my head. I looked like a weird witch or something :)!
I couldn`t wait for the next day.

On friday we continued...
It was a lot better, because we both knew how to do it best. But we only had 4 hours on our hands to do it.
So we dreaded, and dreaded...

After a while we knew we wouldn`t make it. So we focused on my bangs and the back of my head.
We finished about 70 %.
It was so much less painful that day....
And I already saw how I`d look.... It made me really happy!
Just 70% dreadlocked hair and I looked and felt different. Different good.

But oh my, did my head hurt! Well, my scalp from the pulling and my neck/back, from all the sitting still....
I went to bed early and got some rest.

We decided to get a day of rest on saturday. That was fine, I was able to hide the non-dreaded parts of my hair, so I could walk around in public.

Sunday came along and we made plans to start at two. We dreaded all the left over extensions and then got to attaching them...
I finally found a good sitting position, so my back wasn`t that tense all the time. We worked and worked and worked.
We watched dvd after dvd of friends...

At ten o`clock in the evening, we were done!!! I was incredibly happy and tired.
Monickas hands looked damaged and there was hair EVERYWHERE.

But I was feeling soooo happy....It just feels so ME. Like I`m meant to have dreads.

I can tell you it was an awesome experience.
I spent 3 days with Monicka. We watched a lot of friends, listened to music, talked and laughed.
I think it brought us closer together and I really enjoyed the whole process.



Why did I get dreads?

Well, I think it looks AMAZING, but that`s not everything. It`s just looks.
For me it as a deeper meaning to it.
I think most of you know, what a transformation I`ve been through this year.
I quit eurythmy school, I went to another clinic, worked through a lot of stuff, made huge progress, I went on a trip (first time in 3 years), and I moved out!

I am on a path to get to my true self. I can feel that I am getting closer and closer.
It seems like I am peeling all the layers of anxiety, insecurity, guilt and fear of. To get to the core of ME.

I am a free spirited person. I am wild. I am a bit crazy. And I love to try new things!

So I HAD to take that step.
It`s a sign for me and the world (who sees me).

There I am....Sara with dreadlocks. Just doing what I like and looking how I like.

It`s a challenge to accept other peoples oppinions on such drastic changes. But that`s what I wanted.
I need to learn, that it`s not important what people think.

I can be comfortable and confident just because I am how I am!

So, that was my dreadlock story...

I am really excited to see what they are going to grow into. They`re just babies now and will change over time....


Thanks for reading!


Love and hugs,

Sara

PS: Monicka, you`re awesome!!!!! Thanks for going through it with me.. Couldn`t have done it withouth you!<3

Life with anxiety lately...

My anxiety and I mostly live a life of A"friendship". By that I mean, I really try to accept it and take it with me whereever I go. Because it wont leave, so I have no other option than to just be ok with it.

But then there are these times, where it just fucking annoys me and makes me m i s e r a b l e !

I had the worst panic attack on thursday evening, that lasted like 3.5 hours....That`s hard work, I can tell you. Going through waves of panic, feeling like you`re gonna loose your mind....and nothing that normally helps, helped. 

So I eventually just gave in and waited for it to be over....

Unfortunately, it`s not over with one attack. For days it makes me feel like shit. I`m scared I will get another bad one, I just feel so controlled by anxiety.

It makes me angry! 

I can`t do my normal routines...I don`t feel satisfied. I just want to sleep all the time.

That state is actually worse than the actual attack. Because you feel like it`s not gonna go away.

And it wont...

Until you get up and pull yourself together again.

I could easily loose myself in selfpitty for days, or even weeks.

Why do I have to deal with this?

Why can`t I just feel good?

When is this nightmare gonna stop?

And so on....

Eventually, I can see that I am stopping myself to get out of this state of mind...

Of course I feel bad, when I don`t eat right. Of course I feel tired, when I sleep to much. Of course I can`t sleep at night, when I slept during the day. Of course I feel shitty, when I don`t do stuff that I love. Of course I feel lonely, when I just hide inside my appartment.

So, what should I do now?

Yes, pick up the pieces....


So, I`m gonna dress myself in something pretty, eat healthy again, read inspiring things, go outside and move!


Just try to accept that you had a shitty few days, and start having better ones!


Hugs,

Sara

Make your own bread!!!

Baking bread is a really sensual, satisfying thing.

You throw together flour, yeast, salt and water, knead with all you`ve got, wait an hour, knead some more, put it in your oven and 45 minutes later you got this beauty....

Gorgeous, no?

This is how you do it:

625g flour

(I just used some left overs I had.., which was:

325g wholemeal spelt flour

some spelt flour

and some all purpose flour)

1 teaspoon salt

one package dry yeast (about 7g)

5 dl water

Now, put flour and salt in a big bowl and make a little crater in the middle.

Then take the yeast and put it in the crater, with some water. With a wooden spoon stir just a little bit, so that the yeast/water is covered with flour.

Wait 10 minutes, what you just did is called a "pre-dough".

Then you stir until it`s mixed together, take it out on a floured surface and knead until you got a smooth ball of dough..

When you`re happy with it, put it back in your bowl and let it raise for like an hour, until it`s doubled its size.

Now, take it out of the bowl and knead again. At least 5 minutes or until your hands hurt...

Preheat your oven to 220°C.

Form your bread into a nice loaf, put it on a parchment lined baking sheet and cut it in 3-4 times.

 At last, dust it with some left over flour...That gives it a nice, professional look.

 Bake for around 45 minutes,

let cool on a baking rack and try to stop yourself from eating it right away!

Now, be proud of yourself!!!

Experiment with bread baking, it`s so easy, cheap and awesome!

Love,

Sara Tatanka

We are all earthlings.....

I just watched the documentary: " the earthlings" and it moved me deeply....

So I`m telling you, you should watch it...

Here! Do it!

I`m gonna tell you a little bit about the movie aswell as write down my own thoughts about it.

The earthlings is a documentary concerning the living beings we call animals. We share our planet with them, sometimes our home and our food.

But how comes, we treat them like shit?!

The movie is structured into different chapters, such as FOOD, PETS,ENTERTAINMENT, etc.

It is heavy, I tell you...I cried.

You can see how cows, chicken, veals or porks are treated and slaughtered. The conditions are horryfiying and without any kind of respect...

Animals trapped in small cages, skin to skin....They sometimes eat eachothers tales and ears, because they are suffering from starvation and are just going crazy.

They don`t have space to move, they never see daylight.

It shows how foxes and other wild animals are getting skinned alive...

I could go on and on, but the short of it is: It`s just sick!

Humanity is sick. How can people work at slaughter houses, where they beat animals to death every day. They cut their throats and just let them hanging, until they eventually die..

They yell at them, letting their own anger and frustration out.

When you see this, you think you see nazis!

The screaming, the beating....I can not understand how these people are able to sleep at night, or take money for this kind of job.

I`d rather be homeless than work at a place like this.

Of course, I think about this often...

What can I do? How do I want to handle this?! 

I try to be a good human. For me, this means treating all living beings with respect. 

A lot of things make me angry and sad.

If I could, I`d only buy organic, local and handmade stuff. Where I know where it comes from.

Food, clothes, furniture, everything.

But that`s simply not possible, if you`re not a millionaire.

Unfortunately I still have to buy clothes at h&m, I can`t buy just organic, because I don`t have the money....

I have a few tricks, that I live by. I always try to get better and just in general: buy less stuff!

But it`s hard. We`re living in a time where it is always about consumating....

It`s difficult to be a part of the world, and still live conscious!

I could easily go nuts over this! I could cry and think the world is such a HORRIBLE place (which it is) but it`s also magic and beautiful.

BUT, we have to do something. It starts with the littlest things, like buying swiss apples and not those from newzealand (when you`re in Switzerland). Or buy veggies that actually grow now...it`s not natural to eat strawberries in november, guys!

Back to the animals, which are the main characters in the documentary....

Think about getting a pet,  and also think about where you`ll get it.

Read where your meat comes from...Buy organic if you really have to eat it!

If you don`t have much money, eat meat once a week...Then you can afford it and it becomes a special treat.

Don`t buy fur! It`s ugly and animals are treated the worst!!!!

Just be conscious about what you do and how you do it! 

We can always improve....

Love ,

Sara Tatanka

Dear Friends,

I have no idea if anyone outthere is still reading, after all these changes.

For 2.5 years my bloghome was blogger (lottaausderkrachmacherstrasse.blogspot.com), then I moved to tumblr a few weeks ago, to start fresh.

But I wasn`t happy about it. I feel like it`s not the right place for me and my way of blogging.

I also missed some of the tools and gadgets from blogger. So here I am again.

It`s good to be back, with a new blog!

I hope you enjoy!

Love,

Sara